Friday, July 8, 2016

50 First Dates!


Peace All!  It’s been a long time.  I shouldn’t leave you without a dope line to read through ^_^, but there have been some reasons.  Besides focusing on some more pressing issues in my life, I have been wondering about a possible change in my plan of action regarding the dating situation.  “Plan of Action” makes it sound a little bit like I’m going to war or something, I know.  But even though I’m only interested in dating right now, I’d be lying to myself if I said that the overall goal was not to enter into a serious relationship eventually.  This being the case, I feel like I need to approach this dating situation strategically.  To that end, I have decided that my goal is to have 50 First Dates by summer’s end!  Yay!

So far, I’ve set up four basic rules for myself regarding these dates.  However, I can tend to be an overly obliging person, as is my personality, with a tendency to give “too many…n*ggas too many chances” or bend rules I make to suit the situation. So I’m interested in you all’s thoughts regarding these rules.  They are:

1. Take things slow.

This is actually a toughie in more ways than one because I can be prone to serial monogamy aaand because the concept behind my life of celibacy has completely lost its allure at present.  I’m sorry y’all, my fellow friends of feminine chastity, but it has. How long has it been, you ask?  Well I don’t want to be specific because of the possibility of bringing other people’s business into this discussion, but know there are probably some serious cobwebs down there.  I’m certainly not the type to pull a hit and run, but the thought had kinda-sorta-a little bit crossed my mind. Ah, the age old Slut-bag Whore vs. Sexually Liberated Woman debate.  Thoughts? Opinions?

 2. Be open to what comes.

I think I’m being pretty good about this.  I’m not seeking a specific type.  I don’t want to box myself or others in like that.  However, I won’t say that haven’t struggled over this concept a little.  For example, there was a person who messaged me who was so cute and complimentary.  Since it wasn’t really personal, I’ma just go ahead and give you a lil snippet of what they wrote. Shhhh! Don’t tell nobody.

Beautiful profile… I'm probably not the typical kind of guy you'd date.  Just wanted to say, your profile showed a passion that I feel is so incredibly rare these days. Thank you. Your love for public libraries is totally felt... there's something that I find to be amazing about individuals who learn... and who desire to share that wealth with others. It's a gift.

Adorable, right?  However, he was bisexual.  Now, let me be clear - I love my LGBTQI fam. Love.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s enough said.  However, because I’m heterosexual, I don’t think I could handle being in a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t see himself as hetero as well.  It made me feel like I was being a homophobe for a moment in addition to breaking my rule, but I don’t think I was wrong in my decision.  This particular person is awesome, and I hope we can become good friends, but it won’t be progressing beyond that.  There have been other situations which make me call my openness into question, but I’m doing my best I think.

3.  Do not accept less than what I feel I deserve.

 Now, I’m a notorious buckler in this regard.  My self-esteem is pretty good these days, however it has not always been.  I developed some bad habits back the day which resurface from time to time. I have to make sure I’m paying attention to what I’m doing so that I can assure myself that phrases like “what the hell?!” or “oh, hell naw!” will pop up in my mind at the appropriate times and keep me from acting like an ass.

4. Meet as many people as possible.

Truthfully I’ve not been doing so well in this area.  I’m taking some initiatives online but sure as hell not in public.  This is totally an excuse, but a lot of the time I’m with my children when I’m out.  I still remember once when I was younger and my Dad tried to use me to chat a lady up: “Excuse me, my daughter asked me if you were one of the ladies from En Vogue.” I was horrified!!  I could never wish such humiliation upon my children.  I’ve had people try to chat me up in front them, but I always shut that down immediately.  What kind of trifling individual would try to hit on you in front of your kids??   At any rate, I need to be a little more proactive with meeting people in public. I’ll admit, though, that I have absolutely no idea how to do this, lol. 

For those of you who know me personally, you may be aware that I have already had the first of my 50 First Dates.  I’ll give you some info on that in a forthcoming post.  Until then!

Xoxo,

Aya

Monday, February 15, 2016

What's Good in 2016, Y'all?

Hi, All! It's been ages. Hope you all have been well. I've looked back over some of the old posts, and oh my goodness I was acting the fool lolol! Yet "for what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh [with] them in our turn?"  I haven't written steadily in a long time for various reasons: I had a death in the family that I'm just really starting to recover from, drama with my kids just being teenagers, work, and generally trying to figure out where I'm going from here. I haven't done a whole lot of dating, though there has been some. Honestly, I feel that I achieved the original goal I set out with at the creation of this blog. I was seeking what I would view as a soulmate. I found several.

No, seriously. 


There was a man who I had the best conversations I've ever had in my life with. I won't say that we spoke about weighty things which could have a measured impact on humanity or anything. It was more like our minds were in tune. When I speak,  I tend to over explain myself so that nothing gets lost in translation. I can be a little far out in my thinking, so I explain as I go along so that people aren't staring at me like "wth are you getting at?" With him, our thought processes were very similar. That is not to say that we often thought the same things;  we had very different points of view on a lot of stuff. It's just that the way we would arrive at conclusions was quite similar. So he was always right there with me when I would speak to him at any depth. Explanation wasn't necessary. That's a very satisfying thing, and rare. Other than my mother and my daughter,  I've not come across anyone who I have that type of connection with.  It's not necessarily a familial trait. My sister isn't that way, nor is my son or father. But this guy would say things and they would be *verbatim* things that my mother often said, or he'd take the words right out of my head. He didn't really know me like that. He didn't know my mother or anyone in my family either. In some ways, he just knew instinctively exactly what I needed, and that was amazing.


There was also a guy who captured my admiration, and I don't think that's ever happened before. Usually my thoughts going into a situation are "I'm on my path; can he keep up?" In this situation,  I was wondering if *I* could keep up, which is weird because it's not as if he were running for Congress or something. He just radiated power and an air of greatness. I was awe-stricken, frankly. He is a thin but muscular, short fellow. I was often reminded of Napoleon in that Napoleon was said to give off a presence much larger than himself.  That's attractive in its way. Added to this was the fact that this person and I share a culture, and that's also a rarity for me as far as dating goes. I generally try to avoid these brothers, tbh, because I'm not a traditionalist within our group. So when I start talking to these guys, and shut down in one coversation what I view to be their sexist, flawed, and archaic attitudes, all kinds of unnecessary minidrama can occur in the community.




I swear, men can gossip more than old church women when they get up on their gender roles high horse. Anywho... Of all the men I've dated, only four have shared my spiritual and cultural worldview. However, I had long-term relationships with two of those men. Apparently there's something to be said about sharing one's culture.  This person and I also share a surname in fact, which was...funny. We had some definite differences of opinion, but the discourse was good. We often fell asleep on the phone discussing philosophy and would call each other first thing to reconnect and show our pleasure at being able to have those type of nearly academic discussions with one other. In this way, we were able to work through things to a certain extent.

There was also a guy who I had possibly the most fulfilling sex in my life with.



Now I usually don't speak about these things, but I will here because it is significant to my soulmate search.

In my last relationship, sex was a major issue. Without going into too much detail, I will say that our problems with not having the kind of sexlife we were each seeking, and we were seeking totally different things, ruined our relationship. The issue was not the sex itself, though my partner at that time would likely disagree. For me there were underlying reasons for why our sexual interaction was what it was, and why we were each unhappy with it. But I was pretty young when we got together; I'd just turned 22. I didn't know myself well enough to be able to put my finger on what was at issue for me. There's a lot to it, but suffice it to say we just weren't connected in the way we needed to be to have the type of sex I find fulfilling. It wasn't about him not being handsome or "skilled" sexually or aything of the kind. He was a good guy generally, though not always kind or supportive. Still he was faithful, dedicated, loyal - and it wasn't enough. That might sound pretty bitchy of me, and I don't care. It wasn't enough. When it came down to it, I didn't feel safe putting all of my eggs in his basket. If I'd realized that and been able to communicate my feelings to him, we could have worked on it, but I don't think it would have made much difference. I've thought about him and our relationship troubles a lot, especially after being intimate with other people and particularly this newer guy. The chemistry was just off. Nothing could have made it...not off. Of course there were other issues in our relationship like the not being kind or supportive. Knowing myself, I seriously doubt that sex alone would make me leave someone that I love and am dedicated to as I was this ex partner. He just wasn't the right fot for me.

Anyway, that shit ain't work out, and our wretched sexlife was a manifestation of our dis-ease. So ability to have intense, honest, and reciprocal sexual expression with my partner became a thing of focus for me as I sought a soulmate, and this guy I met was every bit of that. He was very open, very en flux with me, very good at sharing. There's a delicate balance to lovemaking that differs for each combination of individuals. He knew how to find that with me every time. Idk, I think people often go into a sexual situation with the mindset of satisfying some need or craving they have or with the intention of "showing out" as we say, which is not a mutually exclusive aim from that aforementioned. But this leaves aspects like reciprocity of energy altogether missing. I mean, I'm grown. I'm busy. What time I have that isn't spent at work or attending to my kids (yes, teenagers still need you - A LOT), or engaged in something else I need to do, I spend chilling. A man has to present me with a whole lot to make me chop up the wee, little bitty time I have to simply chill and dedicate part of it to performing the extra grooming women do when they meet up with a love interest, getting dressed, leaving my house, and spending time somewhere where I am not, in fact, chillin - netfilx aside. A little bump and grind really isn't enough to make me do that EVEN IF you add food to the equation. Hey, I'm just keeping it real. You have to give me more than a new position or location or whatever. I am not  at all aroused by the concept of "newness." What I seek is complete openness to the point of discomfort and embarrassment to create a bond through the act, which can lead us to a type of quintessence. Yeah, so not everyone is down for all of that. This person was, though, to a greater extent than anyone I have ever been involved with in the whole of my life, save one.

There were some other people I talked to or dated, but no one else worth speaking of, I'm sorry to say.  Though, of course,  there was the man I almost married last spring.

Surprise!

The common thread here is that I was seeking something: passion; a certain type of connection; a person who would push me beyond my boundaries; a person with whom my soul resonated; a soulmate. And because those things were foremost in my mind (and not much else, speaking of practicality) I found those things. Over and over.  I don't think that a soulmate has to be a single indivual among everyone on the planet who stirs something real and important yet intangible in you.  I never had that way of thinking. It doesn't really make sense to me. At any rate, each of these people had meaning for me, and I appreciate them for it. But just because your soul resonates with someone doesn't mean your relationship will work. My favorite quote from the film, The Horse Whisperer, is, "I didn't love her because it was right; I just loved her." And that's how things are sometimes. Plenty of relationships fail because they're all heart and no logistics. Love doesn't pay bills. Love doesn't make moves that need to be made. Loving a person doesn't make them a man or woman. You have to have a good combination of heart and logic, among other things, to make a relationship work. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. Life is hard. That's the challenge and what makes everything worth it.



I think that by the time I met this guy who asked me to marry him last year, I was so weary after the roller-coaster of emotions I experienced with these other spirits, and my mim dying tbh, that I was fine with settling down with whomever. As long as it seemed like it could logically work, I could learn to love him, right? I liked him well enough. But after a little while I started to think that I was just getting married so that I could say, "See? I was able to get married after all!" and fit into whatever category social norms dictate that I be in at this age. I couldn't do it. Too much logic, not enough heart. I called it off. We were both fine with it, though we haven't spoken since then even as we said we would remain friends. Toad the Wet Sprocket moment, there. To hell with social norms. I've done everything at the "wrong time" so far. I was a teen mother twice. I dropped out of high school in the second semester of 11th grade before I was even old enough to drop out. I still managed to retake all the classes I'd missed and graduate at seventeen. I dropped out of college the first year, went back and finished undergrad at 24. Then it took me another half a decade to realize I needed to get a master's degree. So here I am, almost 36 with adult children, thinking about having more come hell or high water (smh), and simultaneously thinking about joining some organization so that can be a philanthropic hobo somewhere over seas for a while. Folks, I can't tell ya. I have no idea where I'll be in two years. I'm betting on someplace else, which means I probably don't really want to find Mr. Right in the immediate future...right??? Sigh. What I do know is that I'm not doing the same things in my life and I don't want the same things as I did when I started this whole thing in what, 2012? I'm just going to do whatever I want to do for me basically, and whoever I decide to let into my increasingly small cipher will either run in time with me, or he won't. I'm cool either way.





Hope to post again soon, y'all. Cheers!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Boys To Men.



Peace, All! It's been almost a year since I posted anything. I've had a parent pass on, moved twice, got a new job... In short, I've been hella busy lol. There has been some dating, and I'll let you in on that, but there has also been a fair amount of transformation.  I intend to be open and honest here and really begin a dialogue concerning dating in general rather than simply relating my experiences.  This isn't just about me.  This is about all of us, men and women.  This is about the fabric of our society.  There's a lot to contemplate there.  In speaking with many male friends, the questions continue to arise: Who are you dating? Why? I have had reasons for dating everyone I have.  In many ways, I have achieved my original goal, only to find that somehow things still weren't right.  Hm.  Isn't that always the way?  As I began thoughts about that, I stumbled on this rather appropriate post from ThoughtCatalogue.com by Kate Bailey:



         The 14 Differences Between The Boys 

           You Date And The Men You Marry

 

1. The kind of man you marry says “I love you” and “I’m sorry” because he genuinely feels that way, and he never hesitates to be the one to say it first. The kind of boy you date says those things when an apology will get you off his case and an “I love you” will keep you around a little longer.

2. The man you marry asks you out. The boy you date asks you to hang out. The man you marry will be clear about his intentions. The boy you date will keep you questioning.

3. The kind of man you marry knows the art of treating someone to a night out, and he realizes that he should do so not because he’s a man and it’s his masculine responsibility, but because everyone deserves to be treated well and swept off their feet now and again. The kind of boy you date won’t think that these gestures are important.

4. You’ll have things like reading, a love of nature, music, politics and religion in common with the man you marry. You’ll have things like drinking and talking about people from high school and where they ended up with the boy you date.

5. The kind of man you marry doesn’t seek you out for his own means. He doesn’t want you because he wants sex, or someone to show his family, or someone to wrap his arm around at the end of the day. The kind of boy you date was lonely or needed someone to sleep with regularly or needed to get his family off his case.

6. The man you marry sticks around no matter how messy things get. This one is important, because if you think that the rest of forever isn’t going to be a little messy at times, you’re kidding yourself. And you need someone who can handle it, who is committed. The boy you date is the one who uses you at his disposal. Who seems to come and go when it’s convenient for him. Who isn’t committed enough to want to stay when things are anything but happy.

7. The kind of man you marry wants to go down on you. The kind of boy you date wants you to go down on him.

8. The kind of man you marry is hella good in bed, not because of their physique or skill, just because they care enough about you, and not just themselves, to make sure that you’re happy and taken care of before they are. The kind of boy you date is there for his own release, and his own needs.

9. The man you marry will understand that bodies fluctuate in size, that hair is natural and to shave it is a personal choice not a requirement, that ailments happen and so do sometimes unseemly excretions. The boy you date will be grossed out by anything that makes you anything less than the Kate Upton poster on their wall.

10. Whether or not they receive your family’s complete approval, the man you marry is respectful even if they’re hesitant, the boy you date is disrespectful right back.

11. The man you’ll marry is the one who will change his mind about marriage and kids having met you. The boy you date is the one who says neither are for him– ever.

12. The kind of man you marry doesn’t fight dirty. He doesn’t call you “fat” or “stupid” in your arguments. The boy you date does.

13. The man you marry will know how to do his own laundry, cook himself a meal, have a savings account, wear a tailored shirt, be comfortable in his sexuality/gender performance wherever it falls on the spectrum, be cognisant of whether or not he wants kids or a house on a farm or a condo in a city, because these are things that every person should know before they get married. Needless to say, the boy you date will be unsure of what he wants, and the problem with it is that when he does decide, you have to make sure it aligns with what you want.
14. You will never have to question whether or not the man you marry loves you. Even if everything else is up in the air, even if everything else has totally fallen to shit, you know that there is something deeper between you, and it’s all you really need. The boy you date will never give you that feeling of assuredness. Not because he didn’t say it, not because he didn’t act like it, but because somewhere within you, you know it isn’t true.




,,

Just a little something to marinate on. Peace.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

...Looks Like Another Love TKO

Peace All! Whew! Lots of things have taken place! I'll have to get this done in steps, so bear with me.  This post, let's get into what's going on with Homie Lover Friend.
As you all know, that situation didn't  turn out as I'd hoped. After corresponding  for 7 months, I had fallen for this man. He seemed so open and honest, and considering our background, I cannot tell you all how disappointed I was that his words couldn't be backed up with action. At first I felt that it was his situation holding him back, but after taking a step back and analyzing, I see that the real issue is his own insecurity. Though he said that his situation was one he wished to change, and I believe that somewhere inside he does, he clings to his current set of circumstances because they allow him to do just what he is doing now. They don't require him to be better. He knows that if he wanted to have an adult relationship with a woman, he would have to do some serious work on himself before he could even step to her.
He led me to believe that he was ready to do that work, but he isn't.  Sometimes the devil you know is easier to accept than the devil you don't.  Anyway, I choose to accept people as they are rather than attempting to change them, so I'ma leave him to his own devices. AND I'm pretty sure he will be my last fixer-upper, meaning that in the past I was willing to accept a man who was say, a step or two below up-and-coming if he had certain other favorable characteristics I'm interested in. I was willing to do that because I was a step or two (or three) below up-and-coming myself, and you want to choose people who are in a similar place and time that you are so you can grow together. But I'm no longer below up-and-coming.  I'm just rounding bases towards my goals at this point. I need to kick it up some notches.  We all do, ladies.
You gon' make your way up here, or...?
Tangent
Ladies, I invite you to think about the fact that when considering men as partners (this may apply particularly as Black women considering Black men), we want to be a source of inspiration for them and lift them up.  There's nothing wrong with that sentiment, per se. You all know I'm a Bottom B*tch.  I hold my man down and lift him up SIMULTANEOUSLY! That's just how I doooo, lol! But seriously, there's nothing wrong with encouraging your partner. There are a lot of talented and intelligent guys out there who just need to focus, have confidence in themselves, think realistically, and plan. But you know, as women we can start by thinking you are going to raise a man up, ie encourage him to improve himself, and instead we end up being his enabler.  Now, Aya isn't looking for the rich dude or the doctor; I have my own reasons for that which I will explain if asked.  And I've just gotten my own ducks in a row really.  I don't necessarily need to be with the guy who has it all figured out, but I do need to be with a man who is already enacting his plan.  I'm gon' have to give a big ol' hug to the guy who is still trying to figure his plan out, and send him on his merry way with a pat on the butt.  I'm too old to be raising dudes up, and honestly it does them a disservice. What happens is that we think we are helping a man stand on his own two feet by accepting him in that state, but we are really treating him like a child by not allowing him time and space to pull himself up on his own. If we collectively as a sex leave men in this situation alone (no hint of relationship, no nookie, no nada), some of them will figure it out and become stronger - the kind of guy you might want to be with - as they struggle to their feet.  Sadly, some won't make it. I'ma tell y'all right now that half the cute ones will be gone. Poof! lol.  But no matter how good looking or well endowed they might be, it's survival of the fittest out here.  If a male can't stand on his own two feet as a man, what good is he in a relationship or parenting setting? I know that's hash, but reality isn't pc. Women need to look at these weak individuals like albino alligators or something.  They are interesting to look at, and we allow them to live out their lives in peace, but we also acknowledge that they can't survive in the wild and don't encourage them to pass their genetics into the rest of the population. I'm serious! Just not good breeding stock.  I don't know.  What are you all's thoughts on that one?

Getting back on topic, you all may remember that I was waivering about whether or not to remain in HLF's life as a friend. In truth I think we have very different concepts of what friendship is. You have to be able to give as good as you get in any type of relationship. If you're unable to do that, you're a parasite, not a partner.  It's a shame to end twenty years of friendship like that, but it is what it is. We have spoken since all of the drama ended (where I'm concerned at least), and I received what I feel was a heartfelt apology for things that happened.  When we talked it was still very clear why I had been attracted to him in the first place.  He is an extraordinary human being.  Our method of thinking about things is very similar.  I will always have feelings him.  I will always consider myself his friend. However, we will not be able to carry on a friendship, I'm sorry to say.  Demz da breaks. Also, I am currently in a relationship (surprise!!) with someone whose affection I value highly and as I told HLF, I don't eeeven intend to play with my relationship.  I'll tell you guys about him in the next post!
HLF, I hope you read this because I know you will know exactly where I'm coming from and know that there is no malice or anger between us.  We have made peace, and no matter what else happened or will happen, that's all that matters.  I believe in you, perhaps more than you believe in yourself. That's ok.  Friends provide you with that boost when you are feeling doubt. Try to see your way clear of unproductive influences and just focus on moving forward for yourself, and you'll be fine. 
 Peace and Love,
 Aya 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Homie, Lover, Friend. Part Two: Love Jones.

Peace all. It's officially been one year since I actually got back into the dating game! Yay!!! BGD is having its first anniversary!  I'm so proud lol. No really, I am proud of myself for not giving up. Dating to find a special someone is a hard thing. Lots of time, energy, and money are spent. You get your feelings involved, and there can be as many disappointments as there are delights.  Before I started this thing, I had never really dated before. I was always just with someone - fully committed in a long term relationship.  I don't EVEN know how that occurred, but that was my life ever since I was 14. This is actually the first time I have been by myself, and I'm glad I chose to do so. It has given me the time to process the past, reevaluate my goals, study my actions in the present, and allow myself to truly move forward. I want to thank you all for reading and hope that you continue. Thanks so much! With 4000 supporters and counting, I have to tell you all that your support while I have been doing this has made all the difference.




For our 1st anni, I had to pull out some...
 Damme to make you dance; Damme to make you dance... ; )



With that, let's get on to the updates! In my last post, I told you all a little more about my Homie Lover Friend and our plans to meet.
Damn, bruh! I'm saying...you might could get it though.
Meet we did! The trip was lovely, and I've actually been to see him again since that first trip. Good gracious, dat man sexy!  His whole aura is attractive to me: his way of thinking, the bass in his voice, his silliness, his mischievous little smile when he's affectionate, his abs and biceps...drool. He's spun my whole being around, and I won't lie to you all and say that I'm not in love...well, maybe just in strong like lol. Yup, your girl took an arrow for cupid, and the situation for me is deep. However it is also no less complicated than it has been.
Before I get to that let me tell you about the trips. We shared a posh little hotel room complete with Jacuzzi tub, enjoyed room service and dining out, and I was able to meet some of his family and close friends and see where he works. We just enjoyed the city and each other's company. We were able to talk a lot and catch up properly.  For the first time, I was able to really get a sense of what his life is like. I felt like I wanted to be part of it. He's a good man in an ummm interesting situation, and I felt like I could be of help to him. I have to be careful of that though. I have a naturally helpful personality, and I'm prone to being that "fixer" in a relationship. I organize and plan well - obviously...I'm an awesome librarian. He's thinking his situation is bad. I'm thinking it's not so terrible. Together we could just chop this up, and he'd be helping me too.  I could be his compass and he, my anchor. But he is a man. Men have to handle some things on their own to feel confident. I only want to be there to encourage him, and make sure he feels my respect and admiration for his hard work. Yeah.  I got it kinda bad. This dude got me ready to do some deep things for him, and that's good and natural for a woman to feel. What is not so natural for women, or at least for me, is asking ourselves what someone else is ready to do for us. That's not selfishness; it's necessity. Call it the Mommy Syndrome. Women are used to taking a lot onto themselves and giving love without question with little recognition because it's our duty as mothers, particularly of small children. I've had kids for a long time now, and it's something I'm used to doing. I feel like I've accepted that from men in the past, and I don't wish to be like that now. So my whole purpose for going to see him was really to sit back and watch him, to see how much of himself he was willing to invest in me - in us.

His language and manner were just as sweet and kind as they have always been. He's quite the gentleman, taking my hand to help me up from a chair or lead me across a room, full of compliments, opening and closing my car door and the like. I know I've said in the past that while I value politeness, ├╝ber chivalry wasn't really my thing or altogether required.  But yeah, I think it is lol. Receiving that kind of attention from someone you care about is awesome.  He's spoiled me a little, and I won't be going back lol. Like me he is always communicative and diverse in his tastes. I started thinking, “wow, this dude might be what my spirit has been seeking." Twenty years we've known each other. Twenty. He knows the old me and is now getting to know the present me. IMO, that’s a bonus. It gives him a more holistic view of who I am and who I'm becoming. I felt that if we could take our time to build a solid friendship and let our love grow, we could be that power couple for real. But with brightness, there is always shadow, and I was somewhat prepared for that.
Despite all of the affection he would show, I felt he had thrown up a barrier between us. At first I thought that the situation was just awkward, meeting after all this time and on these terms. But by the second visit, even though we were more relaxed and markedly more affectionate, the barrier seemed just as present. I realized that it was his view of the other things going on in his life holding him back. The solutions I see to the issues are just not what he sees. We've been saying that we love each other for months now, and I believe that. But there are many kinds of love, and it's clear to me that he doesn't feel quite the same about me as I do for him :(  He's not ready to, or maybe just doesn't want to, let himself feel that. Perhaps he never will.

Just the realization was quite a blow. I mean, it was never my intention to go to visit him and just start a relationship.  I really do want to take things slowly and make the decision together as to whether or not we should move forward or just remain friends. It's not just us in this situation.  I have kids; he has a child; we both have other responsibilities. We can't just bring people into our lives without thinking about the consequences for other people.  It's worth it to take the time and make sure it's right. So I wanted to start as friends who are trying to figure out if they want to be more. Back where I come from, we call that process "talking." But he's not even in a place where he can do that with me. We agreed to keep things light and just stay Homie Lover Friends for the time being.  I don't want to not have him in my life, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself by putting myself in a position I'm not comfortable with just because I'm afraid to let my feelings of hope for us go. I haven't really decided how I wanna play this thing going forward.  I can be quick to cut a brother back and stop all contact.  Part of me feels that would be best. But we both have said that it was important to us to have each other in our lives right now, and I believe we both meant that.  I'll let you know when I decide.  Regardless, he will always have a place in my heart, and I will always feel thankful for whatever amount of time we will be or were able to be in each other's lives. He has made me feel more special and more beautifully feminine through our interaction than I have felt spending time with a man in over a decade.  I do something for him as well. I feel that we came into each other's lives in this way and at this moment after all of this time for a reason. Perhaps being soulmates just isn't the reason.  Perhaps it is. “For even the very wise cannot see all ends.” And with that LOTR quote, I bid you all adieu for now, Lovelies. You'll get the next scoop as soon as I have it. Cheers and thanks again!